⚖️

Brotherhood of the Shaft

Established 2025 • Amended Never (We Got It Right the First Time)

Preamble

We, the founding members of Tennis Dongs, in order to form a more perfect doubles partnership, establish competitive excellence, ensure domestic tranquility on the court, provide for the common defense against weak backhands, and secure the blessings of victory to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Charter.

Article I: Membership

Section 1.1 - Admission

Any gentleman of reasonable tennis ability and questionable judgment may petition for membership. Acceptance requires:
  • A unanimous vote from current members
  • A demonstrated tolerance for trash talk
  • Athleticism and A+ human traits

    • Section 1.2 - The Sacred Oath

    Upon admission, all members shall recite: "I solemnly swear to show up on time, trust Coach Annie with the balls, and never blame my racket for my failures."

    Section 1.3 - Titles

    Members may earn titles through acts of tennis valor or off-court shenanigans. The Brotherhood may bestow a new Dong name only on his birthday.

    Article II: Conduct on Court

    Section 2.1 - The Honor Code

    If you're not sure, it's in. That's it. That's the whole rule.

    Section 2.2 - Acceptable Grunts

    Grunting is permitted but shall not exceed 85 decibels. Grunts must be genuine expressions of effort, not psychological warfare. The "Sharapova Shriek" is banned.

    Section 2.3 - Equipment

  • No rackets shall be thrown
  • No rackets shall be blamed
  • Continuous racquet experimentation is encouraged. It really does make a difference. (It doesn't.)

    • Section 2.4 - Attire

    While we aspire to Wimbledon elegance, we acknowledge that most of us look like we got dressed in the dark. Effort is appreciated. Results may vary.

    Article III: Sacred Rules

    Rule 1: Show Up

    If you say you'll be there, be there. No-shows buy snacks.

    Rule 2: Trust Coach Annie

    She brings the balls. She keeps score. She runs the show. We just swing.

    Rule 3: What Happens at Tennis Dongs...

    ...stays at Tennis Dongs. Unless it's hilarious. Then it goes in the group chat.

    Rule 4: No Coaching

    You may not coach your partner mid-match. You may, however, sigh loudly and make concerned faces. (Coach Annie is exempt from this rule.)

    Rule 5: Respect the Dong

    When a fellow Dong makes an exceptional shot, acknowledgment is mandatory. Acceptable responses include: the nod, the racket tap, or "that was disgusting" (complimentary).

    Article IV: Post-Session Protocol

    Section 4.1 - The Handshake

    All sessions conclude with a net handshake. Eye contact is required. "Good game" is mandatory even if it wasn't.

    Section 4.2 - Snacks

    Post-session snacks are strongly encouraged.

    Section 4.3 - The Debrief

    Discussion of key points is permitted for exactly 15 minutes. After that, let it go. We all saw you miss that overhead.

    Section 4.4 - Most Valuable Dong (MVD)

    Each week, one Dong shall be crowned Most Valuable Dong and recognized in the group thread. Selection criteria include (but are not limited to):
  • Exceptional shot-making
  • Clutch performance under pressure
  • Superior hustle
  • Bringing quality snacks
  • Making everyone else look bad (in a good way)

    • The MVD title carries no material benefits, only glory and the envy of lesser Dongs.

    Article V: Coach Annie

      The honorable Coach Annie serves as the backbone of Tennis Dongs operations. She handles what we cannot be trusted to handle ourselves:
    • Ball logistics
    • Scorekeeping
    • Game organization
    • General adult supervision

    Her patience is legendary. Her service is invaluable. All hail Coach Annie.

    ⚠️ THE FENCE CLAUSE: Each ball sent over the fence incurs a $2.25 penalty and awakens the Wrath of Coach Annie. The former is payable immediately. The latter is not so easily resolved.

    Article VI: Amendments

    This Charter may be amended by a two-thirds majority vote, or by whoever brings the best snacks to the next meeting.

    Signed in fellowship and competitive spirit,

    The Founding Dongs

    Est. 2025

    🎾

    Official Document of Tennis Dongs